


I Wanna Get Better

by idrilhadhafang



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Ben Solo Doesn't Turn to the Dark Side, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Battle Couple, Ben Solo is a Mess, Fix-It, Healing, Jedi Ben Solo, M/M, Pilot Ben Solo, Protective Ben Solo, Resistance Member Ben Solo, Self-Hatred, Soft Ben Solo, rated M for some disturbing themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:01:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24257080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: Ben recovers after driving Snoke out of his mind — and finds that he doesn’t have to be “worthy” of Poe.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Ben Solo, Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13
Collections: Trope Bingo: Round Fourteen





	I Wanna Get Better

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Unrequited Love/Pining
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Title from the Bleachers song of the same name. If they had gone with a proper Bendemption, I think this would be the perfect song for it.

The Voice is gone. Ben doesn’t know how to feel about it; it’s been a part of him for so long that he doesn’t know what to think, what to feel. It was Poe who let him share his room on the _Grimtaash,_ when they were heading to D’Qar. Poe. Tai is a good friend, but Ben may be very well be in love with Poe, and he knows he’s no good for Poe.   
  
Poe is so bright. So brilliant. There’s something about him where Ben is just amazed by him. Poe says he’s not perfect, that he’s done bad things — but that’s different, different than the inherent wrongness Ben can’t help but feel in himself...  
  
Poe’s asleep. Ben can’t sleep. He’s never been a terribly good sleeper. Now, looking at Poe, he wonders if he’s going to inevitably drag Poe down with him.   
  
_You’re everything to me, and I couldn’t have anything to give you._  
  
Ben lies back on his pillow, feeling a strange contradiction, in that he’s tired and yet he can’t sleep.   
  
***  
  
They reach D’Qar. Poe comforts him in the morning, when Ben’s groggy and feeling terrible and everything else. They get out, and Lieutenant Kaydel Ko Connix shows them into the Resistance Base. “We definitely need all the help we can get,” she says. “It’s been chaotic.”  
  
Poe turns towards Ben. “You okay?”  
  
“Yeah.” What’s being a bit sleep-deprived, really?  
  
They head in, and meet with Ben’s mom. “Ben!” Leia says. “I was so worried about you.”  
  
It’s something else that Ben doesn’t expect. He tells her everything, when Kaydel’s out of earshot (along with Poe, Tai, Voe and Hennix), and he doesn’t expect her, certainly, to feel _anger_ on his behalf.   
  
“Ben,” she says, “That Voice lied. That Voice lied about everything. I’m so sorry.”  
  
And Ben wonders, absently: did that Voice lie about Poe not wanting him, or wanting anything to do with him, too? Too many lies. Ben can’t help but feel like he’s puking up something that’s been poisoning him for — stars — as long as he can remember.   
  
When he falls asleep in his own room on the Resistance Base, he still has those thoughts playing around in his subconscious, in the midst of other familiar nightmares.   
  
***  
  
The First Order’s attacking Jakku. Apparently, Palpatine — and Ben can’t believe that Palpatine’s back, been manipulating him all this time. It feels like something out of a nightmare — and his forces found a Force Sensitive girl there.   
  
Only thirteen, Ben knows. Practically a baby.   
  
He and Poe assemble their squadron. They’re both in charge, and Ben decides he likes that idea. Being in charge with Poe. Better with two, isn’t that how the old saying goes?   
  
But they head to Jakku. Palpatine hasn’t come out of hiding personally; he’s not an idiot. He’s smart; that’s how he managed to turn the Republic into a fascist dictatorship. But important people are on the _Finalizer,_ which is hovering over Jakku, firing.   
  
It’s in his X-wing that Ben takes out the cannons, one by one. It’s out of sheer luck that he doesn’t get fried by their cannons. Poe follows. It feels right, somehow. Easy. Even though they’re in danger, Jakku’s at risk even though people are being loaded on a Resistance escape ship down below, Ben feels like they are where they need to be.   
  
When a cannon incapacitates Poe’s ship, it’s safe to say Ben loses his cool. He fires on the last of the _Finalizer’s_ cannons, one by one, feeling like he’s almost unstoppable in his fury. The bombing squad shows up — Tallissan Lintra’s squad protects Paige Tico’s squad, even as they drop enough bombs on the _Finalizer_ to reduce it to atoms.   
  
Not everyone’s dead, of course. Ben can say that at least Jakku’s protected.   
  
***  
  
Poe’s repairing BB-8, who got singed during the dogfight above Jakku. Leia’s checking on the thirteen year old Force Sensitive — Rey — and the other refugees, and Poe says, “That’s something. We took out almost all of the First Order that day.”  
  
“Almost. Just...stang, Poe, you scared the life out of me.”  
  
Poe shrugs. “It’ll take more than a literal loose cannon to bring me down that easily.”  
  
“Still,” Ben says. “Poe...I haven’t told you this because I’m worried I’ll drag you down.”  
  
“Nothing you could say could do that.”  
  
“I’m in love with you,” Ben says. Even saying it, there’s a terrifying expanse of time where he fears, momentarily, that Poe will say “no”.   
  
But the look of utter, explosive joy in Poe’s face... “Ben,” he says, “I was waiting for you to say that. And you’re worthy. You’re so damn worth it. So much...”  
  
Poe hugs him. Ben holds him close. He doesn’t know how long it’ll take before they defeat the First Order, but here? He feels like he can do anything, with Poe by his side.


End file.
